09 Jan I Am A Shark
Running is hard, everyone knows it hard, its not for everyone, running is like marmite, your either love it or you hate it.
At the moment I hate running, all the time I have to go for a run or think about a run or plan a run, sprints, hill, quick, long or recovery these are my only choices in life because the choice to run no longer exists, I have to run. I have to run to get better, to get quicker, to go further, every run has to be my best because next time it will be harder and my best will no longer be good enough. Its depressing, running at the moment is depressing. I think my problem is that I am half way down the running tunnel and at the moment there is no light at the end, the light comes later, I hope it comes later. I’m currently running 15 miles on my long runs and doing one long run a week, with a sprint session a hill session and two strength sessions, it feels like a lot and it is a lot. But I’m not getting better, I’m still struggling with my speed and also my stamina, I am completing these long runs but everyone feels hard every mile feels like a mile, they are not flying by.
I can’t really remember it being this hard last time, but maybe because it wasn’t this hard, I only got up to 12 miles before the half marathon, 15 miles is a lot, its even more when you know you have 16 miles to do next week and the week after and as it stands you don’t see the end in sight. I keep getting a sense of impending doom, I know that when it comes down to it I can just walk, but I don’t want to, I want to get to the starting line and feel like I can do it. At the moment I want to give up, I wish I never started out on this foolish exhibition, but I have and I’m not going to give up so it means many weeks of unhappy runs, many weeks of pushing and not giving up.
You read blogs about other people and I swear they all seem to be running along as happy as a puppy off his lead, it all comes easy and care free. At this point you have to remember every one is different everyone is running their own run, not my run and yes they are going to broadcast the good and maybe keep quite about the time they broke down at mile 9 and screamed at their running trainers. I have had a breakdown on a run, I didn’t shout at my trainers (I’m not that much of a nut case). It was on a 12 mile run and after 4 miles it was hard, I pushed for another 4 miles and at that point I realised that even with all my pushing and feeling like I had given it my all I still had another 4 horrible miles to go, that my best was not good enough and I was 4 miles away from home and I was alone. So I shed a few lonely tears (there was no one around) shouted at myself in my head something about this not being good enough and I am not a baby so pull my act together and get home. So I ran home and even now I swear I can remember every painful (not physically painful, it was more of a mental thing) step, it was horrendous and I never want to run again. I did run again, I decided that obviously my best on that day was not enough but maybe it would be another day, 3 days later I ran 12 miles with no tears and it felt amazing.
As I’ve been struggling I decided that I would read up on first time marathoning and I’ve realised, I’m running a fucking marathon, 26.2 miles and yes that’s going to be very hard. If it was easy then everyone would be running their local marathon on a Saturday morning but its hard and only 1% of the population will ever run a marathon and some crazy people will go on to run more. So every run whether it will be short, long, hill or sprinty will be hard and if its not hard then I won’t be prepared and I want to be prepared. So I will push my little body further then I ever thought it could go and when the day comes I will do my best and I will not cry at mile 8 because I am a fucking shark.